She always knew she was protected and very loved.He never raised a finger on her.
Then on one very dark day,a few weeks before she turned 7 years old,he died.
She wasn't prepared for the years that lay ahead of her.
Age 7 to 18 were pretty breezy for her.She excelled in school,she actively participated in church,her leadership & social skills budded,she discovered a few of her talents here and there.She was shielded.She was perfect-probably her mother's favorite child.
Until she began to look for her father.
In those two years between high school & campus,the gates of Hades broke loose.
Her body transformed and she realized that she was getting more attention from men.She was a bit heavy set,but extremely confident.She began to look for her father in every man that approached her.
She could not find him.
She discovered alcohol and partying at 18.The second time she ever tasted liquor was one night at a teenage estate party.She sneaked out with her friends to attend.She got filthy drunk and ended up in the bed of the guy hosting the party.In a few hours time,a recording of what transpired between them was making rounds in the estate.It spread like bush fire. The guy had gone on to not only make a recording,but to share it with others who shared with others.This was only the second time she had ever been with a man.Her worst nightmare was unraveling before her very eyes.She couldn't even remember the events of that night neither did anyone show her the recording.Some said that the lighting in the video was poor and that you couldn't really tell who it was,she did not believe them.Besides,everybody already knew who it was.She was a sitting duck,completely stripped of all her defenses,fodder for the estate teens gossip and some adults too. Her heart completely and absolutely shattered.Her confidence dwindled,shame covered not only her face but also her soul.She cried until she couldn't cry anymore.She had nobody to speak to and her trust in everybody around her leveled down to zero. The thought that everyone was whispering behind her back did her over psychologically.She was almost certain she was going mad.
She needed her father now more than ever.If her father was still alive,she would not have even had a chance to be sneaking out.She would not be out looking for him in every man she interacted with.If she ever did sneak out and the same thing happened,he would probably have gone out and shot the teenage boy.
The sneaking out did not stop,the partying,the rebellion,the drinking.It's like that incident fueled the fire.She went from one relationship to the next.The longest time she ever stayed single was for about 10 months.She had to have a man in her life.Additionally,majority of the friends she had at the time were men.
Years went by,and the incident was forgotten by some but not by her.It stayed with her.The anger,pain and shame all suppressed. She had not dealt with it,didn't know how to.She was angry at herself for the choices she had made.She was angry at the boy for being so unkind and she frequently wondered what his end game was. Did it put some type of approval stamp on his masculinity for him to have gone to such extents?She felt shameful and angry about the whispers of everyone that had seen the speck in her eyes and forgotten about the log in theirs.Those that had cast the first stone.
She needed her father yet she did not actually realize that she had been looking for her father.
She also did not realize that she could never find her father in a lover;those were two different spaces to be occupied by two different individuals. One of the individuals (her father) needed to have been present during her developmental stages and this would increase the chances of her securing a healthy romantic relationship with another individual later in her life. These two were different yet interwoven to a great extent.
The day this realization came to her,was the day she healed.She got healed of the pain of losing her father at such a crucial tender age.She let go of the hurt she felt when she realized that God in His plans may have shortchanged her but she allowed Him to fill that void,since only He could do it.Shortly after that,the incident she supposedly buried was exhumed and stood staring her in the face.She had to go through the motions, allow herself to feel everything she had suppressed,let go of her guilt and shame, theeeen she chose to forgive.She forgave him and she told him.She forgave herself and she forgave everyone that put her down at that time.
Her journey towards quitting the bottle remains untold.She has definitely not gotten down to being a teetotaler but she is more responsible now when going out and knows that this will be yet another story she will tell.One of valor.
She quickly learnt how to be empathetic towards people around her going through difficult times. She promised herself she wouldn't fuel gossip and would hold the hand of anyone who needed her to.Her shame was lifted and she could love herself truly & fully without the need for validation from any man.
One of the saddest experiences a growing girl can go through is having a biological father who is alive and well,yet not present in her life.Gentlemen,I cannot iterate this message enough to you who has a daughter or will ever get a daughter-YOU HAVE A VERY CRUCIAL ROLE TO PLAY IN YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE.
You must let her know she is beautiful,so she doesn't need to go looking for a Tom and Maina to tell her she is beautiful.
You must be on her speed dial because she knows her daddy will always come get her whenever she calls.
You must be her friend and confidant.
You must protect her so fiercely that the thought of sneaking out comes as secondary even in the midst of peer pressure.
That hug you give her ever so often may seem so minuscule but it could be what she will hold on to and not go looking for her father's hugs in Jacob and Kuria.
You my friend have been entrusted with a responsibility so grand and honorable,I don't see why one wouldn't embrace it for as long as they have breath.
We need less women with 'daddy issues' stories and more women with 'I am a success because my father was actively and positively present in my life' stories.
Be your daughter's hero.This world would be a better place.
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