Thursday, 6 March 2014

Sunday,March 6th 2011

One of the darkest days in my life and that of my loved ones.
I lost the father of my child to a cold murder.


Three years later it still hurts,a scar,an unforgotten memory.
I cried, 
I died inside over and over,
I questioned,
I was in denial,
I was broken, angry, unforgiving,
Tortured, dysphoric, hard put.
Death in her cruelty.

Three years later,
I still cry,I still question.

Three years later, 
I have a son.
A walking memory of a man I loved and adored.
Today I have a reason to smile.
This walking memory is my reason.

John Warui!
They called you Stereo,your friends.
The best scrum half,the newspapers.
Son and brother,your family.
I called you tamtam because you were my tamtam!


Somebody told me that it is wrong to address the dead as if you were speaking to them directly.
But today I address you not as one who died or is dead,
But as one who lives in my walking memory,
As one who lives in my heart every single day,
As one whom,even though I tried to forget,I would fail,miserably so.


I'll tell you some stories John,
About this guy Jeff you left behind.
He was 5 months old last you saw him.
He's 3 years 5months now.
He gets handsome by the day,so I'm told..
And that he may end up being a heart breaker.
I laugh every time I hear this and for some reason you keep coming to mind.


He joined school this year.

The school you and I both went to.
You wouldn't believe how exactly the same things are, decades later.
Yet how things have changed in that place.
Same teachers, same drivers,
My heart was heavy on first day of school in the midst of all the excitement
Because I thought of you and deeply wished you were there with me.
He was excited to his marrows I can tell you.
Your mum tells me you loved school as well when you were little.
He didn't cry,he didn't cling onto me when I had to say goodbye.
He just gave me a tight warm hug and we exchanged the usual I love you's.
First day of school and every other day since then has been marv to say the least.

He's always singing lately,
All kinds of songs here and there.
Nursery rhymes and Jesus songs.

He comes home with homework.
You wouldn't believe the joy that has filled  my heart this week.
I've been on leave so homework time has been me and him time.
We did the letter 'e' yesterday where we colored the big letter e drawn by his teacher and the egg drawn next to it.
We wrote the letter e at the bottom and tears just welled up in my eyes when I taught him to draw the circle on the e and the loop that goes right around.All thirteen letter e's warmed me up.
You'll never guess how they teach these kids nowadays.
 It's not e FOR egg..it's e AS IN egg.
And every time I dare say:e for egg I'm given those dagger eyes and a tongue lashing:sio e for egg mum ni e as in egg!!
I get scared sometimes.



He's into colors alot nowadays.
He picked up my belt last night,just like he picks up every other colored thing in the house.
Mum!!
He shouts it so loud you'd think he's a commander in the army!
And I'm almost always startled.
Hii ni color?
Ni color red baby.
Well done well done!Keep it up keep it up!A very good mum.A very good mum.
I was congratulated and I just died laughing.

The other day he hinted from a far that he wants a brother.
I was largely tickled and again you came to mind.
I remembered how we'd planned to get another right after I was done with campus then close that business!
That would have been plain beautiful.

Your family John!
Your family has become my family now.
Your dad and mum treat me like their very own.
They take care of Jeff and I.
And your younger brother,he's an addition to the brothers that I have.
I wish you'd see the dream house your folks have built.
We missed you at the house warming last month. 

I'm taking Jeff for a sleepover there this weekend. 

We visit them alot,we talk on the phone alot.
Your mum sometimes calls just to tell me that she loves me and to wish me a good day when I'm at work.
Your pops is my friend now!To think that at some point I used to be scared of him.
He as well calls to check on me and check on his grandson as well.
They are my second parents and it blesses me everyday!

I get scared at times though.
About the future,the unseen,the unknown.
I wonder what type of a man he will end up being,this little boy.
I have a feeling he's going to be outgoing like both of us.
I pray I will represent you during his prize givings just like we both got those numerous prizes all through school.
I pray that the spirit of excellence will follow him all the days of his life.
And when he is old enough to ask where his dad is..I pray that God in heaven would take charge of my utterance and that the spirit of understanding and peace would settle on him even as he walks through  this life with that missing  link.





We miss you John!






12 comments:

  1. Awwwwwwwwww :-) I'm teary hun...it's beautiful

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  2. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww .. just shed a tear reading this. I guess the dead never really die in our hearts. Reminds me of my late daddy. R.I.P dad, and to you Karambu, God has been faithful to you and I know He is a true husband to widows. Proud of you mama

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    Replies
    1. May your dad truly rest in peace Anne.I lost my dad as well 19 years back.This far God has been abundantly good.Bless!

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  3. Wah!! Truly comes from the heart! I will read al the stories herein. Karambu you are a great Mum to your son. That's the best thing you can do for now..
    I must admit it was an emotional read though!

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    Replies
    1. It was an emotional write as well Aleki!!Thankyou for taking the time.Salimia the family for me

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  4. What an emotional story well told! Exactly 3 years since we laid you to rest.

    We miss you Johny.

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  5. :_) beautiful naksh! so touching, dunno whether to cry or smile. John's spirit lives on.

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  6. Thanks for reading Kari and Naksh.
    To think you were both there on that day and the day before he passed on.
    He'll forever remain in our hearts.

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  7. Am lost for words and am forever sorry!!!!

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